by: Joel Feliciano
©2003/2006
This is a boy, a very strange, enchanted boy, he wandered very far, very far, over land and sea. A little shy and sad of eye, but very wise is he. And then one day, one magic day he passed this way, and while we spoke of many things, fools and kings, this I said to him: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to plant, to plant beans.
And then he planted the beans on his yard, and a beanstalk grew ever bigger, because he used floral grow, and because of that, the beanstalk had many orchid flowers on many of its ends. But the boy, who's name is Joel, couldn't stand the beautiful smell of the orchids and told a friend of his, named Jack, to cut it down, to chop it down into pieces. But then Jack climbed the beanstalk. Halfway on it, he saw an eagle, a bald eagle (it was actually bald, the chicken skin and all). And the eagle said that he was no bird to be so close to the clouds, and of course, Jack knew that. But the evil eagle used its beak to cut the beanstalk under Jack and he fell through ages of air. Somehow, Jack survived, he was sure he was going to find some golden eggs in the sky, but he just had a bad luck day.
So Jack cut the beanstalk into pieces. Into squares. And brought them to the kitchen. He brought water to a boil and put the pieces in it. Little green stuff floating in plain boiling water. He then poured two entire cans of tomato sauce and some very teary onions (the onions were actualy crying, although not because of their own acidic gas, but because they were going to melt like something that melts horribly in boiling water), and then he put the top on the pot. An hour later his recipe was done: broccoli and cheese soup with beanstalk stems (or whatever), and he gave some to Joel. Joel, the strange enchanted boy, who wandered very far over the land and the sea, didn't like soup, so he said: "I don't like soup..." But Jack insisted, he said that this soup was very good, and that it didn't have the consistency of a normal soup, that it was more like eating (having) cream of wheat.
So Joel said: "Yes, ok, I'll try it". Joel took the plate and looked at the white, creamy stuff in it, that had some red because of the tomato sauce, and of course the grean pieces of beanstalk. And Joel took a spoonful of sugar and let the medicine go down in the most delightful way. (Joel was a sicky boy, and didn't like medicine). Joel said that the soup that was not a soup was very good. But then, he's eyes began to swell, (well, not he's eyes, but the skin over and underneath of them). And he asked: "What did you put into this creamy soup of wheat?". Jack answered: "I put some latinamerican horse glue", and he laughed and evil, booming laugh. "You know I'm allergic to glue!", Joel said. "I KNOW!", said Jack, and added: "Oh, I also put some of that beanstalk you made me cut into pieces". And Joel said: "What?! I'm allergic to orchid too, duuuude! Do you want to kill me?!" "DUH!", answered Jack.
And then Joel called his sister to ask her what was her favorite movie, because he didn't remember, and he wanted to go to the grave knowing that (for some reason). And then she said: "My favorite movie is... (and she actually paused for the whole time it took you to read this parenthesis) The Matriz 3, (and zhe actually zaid Matriz with a Z, which iz very annoying). And Joel cried: "Nooooo! That horrible movie! I am really going to die alone in this world". It was more of a statement than a question. "Is there not going to be a better triquel?!"
And then on his cellphone caller ID appeared a number of 500 digits. He answered, and it was a Korean boy who said something in Japanese: "Konichiwa". Joel did not understand and said: "Who the fuck is this?! How did you get my number?!". And the boy said: "Konichiwa". Joel said: "You calling me names, huh, you fucker!". And the boy goes: "Arigato". "I'm gougnt to fuck you up, bastard!". And the boy's voice changes into a deep hollow voice, almost god-like really, and now he speaks in Spanish: "Yo sé el dolor que tienes. (I know the pain you have), porque yo lo he sentido también (for I have felt it too), y te voy a ayudar a sanarte (and I'm going to help you heal), pero tienes que comer mierda (but you have to eat shit)". [A shit-eater in Spanish is someone very arrogant]. And Joel said: "But I'm a shit-eater come-mierda!". But the boy, who's not a boy, and has a god-like voice said: "No, tienes que comer mierda real (no, but you have to eat actual shit), y no cualquier mierda, tienes que comer mierda de goldfish (and not just any kind of shit, you have to eat goldfish shit), y luego acostarte en una cama rosas rojas (and then you have to sleep one a bed of red roses).
And Joel, spent all his savings on ten dozens of roses and a big old goldfish (with a fishtank combo pack, it was an offer: 19.95). And he stared at the fish, and fed him huge amounts of food for a long time, until the fish finally began to take a dump. Joel, took the fish out of the water by the tail. The fish was wriggling, gills gasping for... for... water; and the thin strand of shit dangling. Joel slurped the brown string of shit off of the fish, as if it were a spagetti. And then he laid over the petals of the roses.
The morning after Jack found Joel on the floor lying over a thousand red roses, with his eyes swollen like Quasimodo's. The autopsy revealed that Joel had died from food poisoning, the boy-who-was-not-a-boy's-with-god-like-voice's recipe/prescription was for orchid-beanstalk food poisoning, and he did not mention (or didn't know) that fish shit had very small particles of latinamerican horse glue (due to the fact that horses branched out of goldfish in the evolutionary chain).
The morals of this story are: Do not buy fish tank combo offers in the pet shop when you know you may die soon; don't tell all you i'llnesses to your friends, they might take advantage of them; and of course, don't take candy from stranger, specially when the candy are beans, and specially when that stranger is me.
December 2003
And then he planted the beans on his yard, and a beanstalk grew ever bigger, because he used floral grow, and because of that, the beanstalk had many orchid flowers on many of its ends. But the boy, who's name is Joel, couldn't stand the beautiful smell of the orchids and told a friend of his, named Jack, to cut it down, to chop it down into pieces. But then Jack climbed the beanstalk. Halfway on it, he saw an eagle, a bald eagle (it was actually bald, the chicken skin and all). And the eagle said that he was no bird to be so close to the clouds, and of course, Jack knew that. But the evil eagle used its beak to cut the beanstalk under Jack and he fell through ages of air. Somehow, Jack survived, he was sure he was going to find some golden eggs in the sky, but he just had a bad luck day.
So Jack cut the beanstalk into pieces. Into squares. And brought them to the kitchen. He brought water to a boil and put the pieces in it. Little green stuff floating in plain boiling water. He then poured two entire cans of tomato sauce and some very teary onions (the onions were actualy crying, although not because of their own acidic gas, but because they were going to melt like something that melts horribly in boiling water), and then he put the top on the pot. An hour later his recipe was done: broccoli and cheese soup with beanstalk stems (or whatever), and he gave some to Joel. Joel, the strange enchanted boy, who wandered very far over the land and the sea, didn't like soup, so he said: "I don't like soup..." But Jack insisted, he said that this soup was very good, and that it didn't have the consistency of a normal soup, that it was more like eating (having) cream of wheat.
So Joel said: "Yes, ok, I'll try it". Joel took the plate and looked at the white, creamy stuff in it, that had some red because of the tomato sauce, and of course the grean pieces of beanstalk. And Joel took a spoonful of sugar and let the medicine go down in the most delightful way. (Joel was a sicky boy, and didn't like medicine). Joel said that the soup that was not a soup was very good. But then, he's eyes began to swell, (well, not he's eyes, but the skin over and underneath of them). And he asked: "What did you put into this creamy soup of wheat?". Jack answered: "I put some latinamerican horse glue", and he laughed and evil, booming laugh. "You know I'm allergic to glue!", Joel said. "I KNOW!", said Jack, and added: "Oh, I also put some of that beanstalk you made me cut into pieces". And Joel said: "What?! I'm allergic to orchid too, duuuude! Do you want to kill me?!" "DUH!", answered Jack.
And then Joel called his sister to ask her what was her favorite movie, because he didn't remember, and he wanted to go to the grave knowing that (for some reason). And then she said: "My favorite movie is... (and she actually paused for the whole time it took you to read this parenthesis) The Matriz 3, (and zhe actually zaid Matriz with a Z, which iz very annoying). And Joel cried: "Nooooo! That horrible movie! I am really going to die alone in this world". It was more of a statement than a question. "Is there not going to be a better triquel?!"
And then on his cellphone caller ID appeared a number of 500 digits. He answered, and it was a Korean boy who said something in Japanese: "Konichiwa". Joel did not understand and said: "Who the fuck is this?! How did you get my number?!". And the boy said: "Konichiwa". Joel said: "You calling me names, huh, you fucker!". And the boy goes: "Arigato". "I'm gougnt to fuck you up, bastard!". And the boy's voice changes into a deep hollow voice, almost god-like really, and now he speaks in Spanish: "Yo sé el dolor que tienes. (I know the pain you have), porque yo lo he sentido también (for I have felt it too), y te voy a ayudar a sanarte (and I'm going to help you heal), pero tienes que comer mierda (but you have to eat shit)". [A shit-eater in Spanish is someone very arrogant]. And Joel said: "But I'm a shit-eater come-mierda!". But the boy, who's not a boy, and has a god-like voice said: "No, tienes que comer mierda real (no, but you have to eat actual shit), y no cualquier mierda, tienes que comer mierda de goldfish (and not just any kind of shit, you have to eat goldfish shit), y luego acostarte en una cama rosas rojas (and then you have to sleep one a bed of red roses).
And Joel, spent all his savings on ten dozens of roses and a big old goldfish (with a fishtank combo pack, it was an offer: 19.95). And he stared at the fish, and fed him huge amounts of food for a long time, until the fish finally began to take a dump. Joel, took the fish out of the water by the tail. The fish was wriggling, gills gasping for... for... water; and the thin strand of shit dangling. Joel slurped the brown string of shit off of the fish, as if it were a spagetti. And then he laid over the petals of the roses.
The morning after Jack found Joel on the floor lying over a thousand red roses, with his eyes swollen like Quasimodo's. The autopsy revealed that Joel had died from food poisoning, the boy-who-was-not-a-boy's-with-god-like-voice's recipe/prescription was for orchid-beanstalk food poisoning, and he did not mention (or didn't know) that fish shit had very small particles of latinamerican horse glue (due to the fact that horses branched out of goldfish in the evolutionary chain).
The morals of this story are: Do not buy fish tank combo offers in the pet shop when you know you may die soon; don't tell all you i'llnesses to your friends, they might take advantage of them; and of course, don't take candy from stranger, specially when the candy are beans, and specially when that stranger is me.
December 2003
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