This post is a response to a friend's question about "where home
is". She is leaving Puerto Rico to study in USofA and she's worried
because she doesn't know whether if she is going to wish to return
to the (quote) "fucked up island", or if she is going to stay
somewhere else.
And I thought, "well, this applies to a lot of people right now; so
Im going to share it". And I am. Hopefully she wont get mad. And
hopefully the email will make sense to everyone. That is why i
gave you this little back-info along with the statement that Im
living in Disney now and I have, as of today, 3 days left and then i
go "home" (meaning Puerto Rico, you will see why I make this
emphasis).
enjoy.
dear_______
Just the night before i read this messege of yours...
I noticed that the paper towels that we have here in the
appartment said "home is where the heart is", and i noticed
because we were out of toilet paper so I had to use the paper
towels. And i almost cried because these are the last weeks we
have here and it is just unbearble. These people whom ive been
living with are such great people. And it is going to be so
heartbreaking to leave them, with the fear that I will never see
them again... or with the hopelessness that if i do it will be for a
very short period of time when we will not be able to fully enjoy
each others reencountered company. Am i making sense? Maybe
i am.
And it is true that people DO come back to the fucked up island.
But it also happens that french people want to go back to france,
that people from nevada want to go back to nevada, and chinese
people wanna go back to hong kong and so on and so forth. Why
you ask? Its because home is where the heart is. Everyone will
say that their home country is the best, regardless of however
fucked up the goverment is, or how dirty the streets are, or how
nasty some people might be, or however high is the criminality
rate... none of it matters, what matters is that thats where you
lived your better years, which are those years in which you grow
older until you cease to grow physically. There are memmories
attached to that place. Memories that pull your body
involuntarily. You dont even realize it is because of memories.
No. You say it is because there is where your parents are, where
your friends are... But what are parents and friends? They are
walking memories. Your country you know it by heart, you know
where youre going or where not to go... its just a sense of
assurance that drives you, that pulls you and brings you back.
Im telling you this because I want to go back. Badly. But there is
also this thing... "home is where the heart is". And the bad thing
is your heart will split appart. You will give it to other people.
You will put it in other places and it will stay, and it will grab
onto them, and it will tear your body in two whenever its time to
go.
Like it is happening to me now. I dont want to leave. But i dont
want to stay if the people that are here, right now, leave; as it is
going to happen in a couple of days. I dont want to deal with it,
but im gonna have to, because life has to go on, and in this ever
going road, all hearts have to be broken, so it can be mended
once again. Hopefully i will see the people, that i have been
living with here, very soon, and i will hug them so hard whenever
i see them, and i will hug them so hard when i leave them.
Because when people recide in your heart with their kindness
and love, there is not way you will forget them, there is no way
that your heart will leave their memory.
And yes. The fear of change is what keeps people in places. But
its not actually fear of change, i believe. It is fear of loss. Which
is a change nonetheless. So i guess it IS fear of change. But it is
true that when you travel, the people you leave behind DO
change to your dislike... Dislike because you were not part of
their change, and you did not change with them, and now
theyre different when youve returned, and you have to adjust.
But. What about the people you met in the travels? Their lives
have been tottally changed because you decided to touch them,
and you changed with them... And thats when sadness comes.
It is just such a lonely place to have changed and then not
finding someone, right away, to whom to relate.
But, what can we do about it? Huh? No one said life was an
easy thing. They should have had a disclaimer signs in our
mothers vaginas that advised: "if you dont want to hurt, dont
follow the light" followed by "now that you came to the light
and ignored the first sign, be advised to keep your heart
inside your chest, and dont let it out".
And the day we die we have to get another sign saying: "we
told you so", and you will say, "it was all worth it"
and you will smile under the dirt.
Things DO work. They have a way of untangling (detangling)
themselves sooner or later. You will all see, too bad noone's
able to tell the story.
Home is wherever youve set your foot on, and fallen in love,
and no matter what, home will always be in more than one
place, and even better, home will always be in more than
one special person.
Good night.
Joel.
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