The past four/five days have been hard for me. I've hit my head trying to figure out mi life. The results are not encouraging.
After I came back from Orlando I arrived home, of course. The first day I was taken to a "criollo" (local) food restaurant, of the cheap ones but good. So good to be back in Puerto Rico. After that I was taken to see my grandfather.... There is not much to say about that. And then I was brought to our house. After living in an appartment of super extra white walls, with 100 watts light bulbs, with a green carpet all over the floor, and absolutely no decorations: I realized that mi house is a mess of useless objects. (And the lighting is SO dim). After living (and living well) for almost eight months in another country without accumulated objects, ive realized how materialist (is this a word?) I was (or am), including my family. I want to throw away half of the things there are here. But I'm not allowed, so I'll throw away half of MY stuff, but i dont know where to begin; but i WILL do it. How is it that people keep trinkets every year and in the end they all end up piled on a corner? Many times we keep things for their sentimental value... but most of other things dont have any sentimental value and we still keep them.
Anyway. Among all the mess in my house i found an emptyness. An emptyness that i couldnt fill. Its more than one emptyness. I have the emptyness of leaving my roommates, to whom i can say they are more than roommates. The emptyness of not know what to do now that I've finished school and dont have a job. The emptyness of being stuck. What comes after? What do you do when you finish school? "Find a job, i guess", said my roommate (my friend) the last day that we were togheter, and he said it in the last minutes we were together... but i'll tell that story in a second... Seriously. What do you do? School teaches you to study 24/7 for 20, 21, 22, 23 years and then it, simply, doesnt want you in the classroom no more. That happens to me for being undecisive! So. To not feel useless i went to the university to take a chance, I asked a professor if I could take her French class as a listener, and she said yes, altho I shouldnt expect much class participation, and in my mind I said: "sweet!", thus i dont have to be embarrassed in front of the class, like everybody, and learn nontheless.
Then, as i was saying, the emptiness is emptier because i left extraodinary people. I wish that something like that wont ever happen again (leaving people, that is). I wish to think that I will find such great people again. Whom I loved (love). My roommate Joel (yes, his name's Joel), he was the one who said: "find a job". But the subtext of thta was: We were making conversation in the food court of the airport, because the sadness was eating us inside, the sadness of not being able to see each other the next day. Until, finally, the time came to say goodbye. We didnt want to look directly into our eyes, so we hugged, and then, when we did look, our eyes were flooded in tears. We didnt say much. He said: "I love you, Joel" I said: "I love you too" and then we couldnt speak no more. He said something else that I dont remember, and we hugged again. We couldnt let each other go. We have gotten so close in Florida. I cried all the trip back on the plane (I think i even did when I was asleep, which was almost the whole flight), I cried much after that, and even now when I write this (and when I translate this too) a tear rolls down my cheek.
At the end of all things, I think im going to be just fine. I already have class and thus something to do. If i dont find a job quickly i might go back to Sizzler. I'll start throwing stuff away very soon... because i have to have a fresh start, without clutter. And i made a promise to go visit Joel in Las Vegas, thats something to look forward to, altho i always wanted to go to Las Vegas, specially to see Celine Dion, but now i'll go to hang out with him, and Im not going to be bothered if i dont see Celine at all.
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